Matrescence: How Motherhood Changes Everything
Jesse Harold, a writer and midwife, shares four important things about becoming a mother that she believes everyone should know.
1. Motherhood is a Process, Not a One-Time Event
No one tells you that when you become a mother, besides learning to change diapers with one hand and adjust a baby carrier, you’ll also be learning a new language. As your due date nears, words like “perineum” become part of your daily vocabulary. After childbirth, when you try to sit up in bed, you curse your separated abdominal muscles as the restless baby calls to you in the middle of the night.
There’s a new term in the parenting dictionary that has the power to change how you experience early motherhood: Matrescence.
Matrescence isn’t a mattress brand; it doesn’t magically make your baby sleep for ten hours straight (though that would certainly change your early motherhood experience). Matrescence refers to the transformation into motherhood. It’s a monumental change that spans biological, psychological, sociocultural, economic, and spiritual dimensions. The term was coined by anthropologist Dr. Dana Raphael in 1975, and it’s similar to adolescence because—like adolescence—it involves those world-shifting changes that can transform everything.
The issue is that we don’t expect people to “recover” from adolescence. We instinctively know that teens will never become children again; we expect this developmental phase to change them completely. It’s a process we view as full of potential, possibility, and power.
But in our culture, the transformation into motherhood isn’t given that same recognition and respect. From social media to public policy, everything often denies the value of the mothering role and refuses to provide the support mothers need during this often confusing time.
2. It Takes 2-3 Years to Adjust
Yes, two to three years. Not six weeks, which is the time frame the patriarchy has set for new moms who often have their final (sometimes first) postpartum checkup and get the “green light” for resuming sex. And it’s not three months, either, because the “fourth trimester” is becoming a more widely recognized period of physical recovery and emotional rollercoasters.
Becoming a mother affects every part of a woman’s life. It often alters her relationships, career, body, and her relationship with her body. It changes her identity, sense of purpose, and sometimes even her spiritual state.
All of this takes time. But don’t be scared by this 2-3 year timeline. Instead, think of it as a permission slip: when you start questioning why you technically are a mother but might not yet feel like one, this permission slip invites you to have deep compassion and generosity for yourself.
3. There’s No Turning Back
Just look at the magazines at the grocery store checkout: Our culture celebrates the idea of “bouncing back” after having a baby and praises those mothers who can effortlessly slip back into pre-pregnancy jeans and resume their pre-pregnancy life. New moms are often told not to “lose themselves” during the journey of motherhood.
But motherhood is transformative. It either asks you to give up many parts of yourself, or it allows you to let go of a lot. After 17 years of supporting new mothers, I can confidently say that denying the transformative effects of motherhood typically leads to pain.
Feeling sad about this change is completely normal.
Any major life transition—even one as positive and aspirational as becoming a mother—requires us to let go of our previous selves. Grief and mourning are natural parts of any life transition, including becoming a mother.
However, in our culture, mothers aren’t given much room to feel conflicted about their roles. Many mothers don’t recognize or share the sadness that comes with the reshaping of their identity. Longing for your former self—your old jeans, your hot coffee, and all the things that made you who you are—is absolutely normal and healthy. It’s just as important to honor these feelings and, if you feel overwhelmed, seek support.
4. After This Transformation, You’ll Emerge as an Amazing Person
I always ask this question: What if losing yourself during motherhood isn’t the problem, but the point? What if, just like we offer sympathy to awkward teenagers during adolescence, we could give ourselves the same compassion during this phase? What if we could celebrate the growth and maturity that almost always comes with becoming a mother?
Just like adolescence, reproductive psychologists categorize matrescence as a “developmental process,” with growth spurts and milestones similar to those we see in babies and children.
Studies have found that becoming a mother often sparks a new sense of meaning in life, boosts self-esteem and capability, enhances mindfulness, deepens the understanding of “the simple things,” and strengthens intuition. Motherhood also offers an opportunity to expand our abilities, like tolerating contradictions and fostering a sense of interdependence and community.
Research shows that for most mothers, this growth and development doesn’t ignore the challenges of motherhood—it’s because of them. In fact, one study found that mothers who reported the greatest difficulty in shedding the feeling of being lost or disconnected during motherhood ultimately felt more fulfilled and confident as mothers than those who didn’t experience that feeling.
Of course, this isn’t to say that we shouldn’t work to make the experience of motherhood easier. It’s not an argument against advocating for better maternity leave, affordable childcare, or other supports for mothers. It’s simply that we must begin to recognize that motherhood fundamentally changes life, and its emotional landscape is complex, deserving of recognition and support.